MICRO MISCONCEPTS

The Four-Word Question That Cured My People-Pleasing Habit

17th October 2025 | misconcepts.org

Here's the irony of being a people-pleaser: the very thing you do to avoid disappointing others ends up disappointing the person who matters most—you.

For years, I said yes to everything. Dinner invitations that made me miserable. Obligations that drained my energy. Decisions that pulled me further from the life I actually wanted. I told myself I was being selfless, but really? I was just afraid.

Then one evening, spiraling over yet another decision I didn't want to make, my partner asked me four simple words "What's the bottom line?"

That question changed everything.

The Bottom Line Approach - How I Finally Learned To Say No

Here's how the bottom line approach works. Instead of catastrophizing about imaginary consequences, I force myself to confront the actual worst-case scenario.

Example 1: My aunt invites me to a family dinner I dread attending.

• The fear: "She'll hate you forever!"
• The bottom line: She might stop inviting me to these gatherings—which would actually be brilliant. Most likely, she'll be mildly annoyed for a few days, then forget about it entirely.

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Example 2: A distant cousin invites me to her wedding. I feel obligated despite having zero desire to go.

• The fear: "The whole family will judge me!"
• The bottom line: People I'm not close with might think less of me. So what? We weren't close anyway. Most likely, they wouldn’t even notice or care that much.

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Example 3: I got asked to take on more work when I was already feeling overwhelmed.

• The fear: “They’ll think I’m useless!”
• The bottom line: I might get passed over for promotions or be seen as less committed. But honestly, I was already doing poor work because I was overwhelmed. Most likely, my boss would appreciate my organisation and honesty in saying no. I'd be able to focus on my core work and perform better.

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Why This Works So Well

The bottom line approach cuts through our default brain’s tendency to catastrophize and forces rational assessment. Most of our paralysis comes from inflated fears and anxieties that crumble under closer examination.

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As Seneca wisely counseled:

When I ask myself “What's the bottom line, and could I handle it?" The answer is almost always yes. And suddenly, saying no becomes not just possible, but obvious.

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Making the Change

Here's my challenge for you this week: Think of one situation where you're struggling to say no.

Ask yourself: “What's the bottom line?"

Then ask: "Could I handle that outcome?"

I bet you'll be surprised by how manageable it actually is.

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​P.S. This approach has worked wonders for me. If you’ve found other ways to counter people-pleasing behaviour, I’d love to hear from you too. Just reply to this email.

Thanks for reading!

Learn more at misconcepts.org

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